An Opening Masterpiece

Here is my third article on the 2011 season for Football Nation, a recap of last night's gorgeous opener between the Saints and Packers. This one is better than the first two, so check it out.

August Top 15

15. Sublime - What I Got (Reprise)
14. Billy Squier - Lonely Is the Night
13. Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie
12. The Hollies - Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)
11. Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Om Nashi Me

10. Alanis Morissette - Hand In My Pocket
9. Dusty Springfield - So Much Love
8. Ray LaMontagne - For The Summer
7. Sublime - Caress Me Down
6. Foster the People - Pumped Up Kicks

5. Loudon Wainwright III - Daughter
4. Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home
3. Adam Sandler - Real Love
2. Ryan Adams - Lucky Now

Song of the Month: Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - 40 Day Dream

The Steel Pole Club

Ten players I wouldn't touch with a nine-foot steel pole in fantasy this season

NFL 2011

For the 2011 season my content will be published at Football Nation. My first article, which would be known on this blog as NFL Preview Part One: The Fantasy Value Theory, can be found here. There are incentives for article views and comments, so help me out if you like what you see.

Too Much

A few weeks ago I was at a strip club as part of a friend's bachelor party. At some point I got bored and went to the bathroom to take a crap. I was thinking about how much time I've spent in strip clubs the last few years, even though I've never once wanted to go to a strip club. It got me thinking about all the things I've spent too much time doing in recent years. I jotted down as many things as I could while sitting in the stall. Here is that list, unedited:



Strip clubs

Stroking the one eyed monkey

S loop

Dominion.isotropic.org

Dr. Mario

DMV

Fishing

Thursday Night Football

China Men

Pursuing hot chicks

Chewing

Lat pulldown

Facebook

Waiting for encores

Resetting the wireless router

Looking for WSOP lodging

Putting the blankets on the couch

Questioning my social skills

Target fitting room

Words With Friends

School

Vomiting

Hearing "Don't Stop Believing"

Evaluating my looks

Poker

Short Cuts

Cleaning contact lens cases with q-tips

Chasing unattainable girls

The Colorado Buffaloes Men's Basketball Team

Black Hawk, CO

MTV

MTV2

Giving Dave Matthews second, third, & fourth chances

Snowboarding

Sleeping

Thinking about myself

Driving the I-15

Ex-girlfriends

Infomercials

Making lists

Driving up and down Lehigh St

Fantasizing

Second base

Tagging mp3s

Wearing old socks

Scraping snow off the windshield

Complaining

Waiting for the fly machine to open up at 24 hr fitness

Driving to 24 hr fitness

Throwing Up

The period after the WSOP is always one of the worst times of the year, a listless, godforsaken chunk of time best traversed as quickly as possible. It's impossible not to feel hungover from the WSOP, impossible to reproduce the same drive, purpose, and enthusiasm for life without those million dollar carrots dangling in your peripherals. This year's late summer has been particularly difficult, thrust directly into the harsh reality of Life without any more illusions it might be avoided.



Though there have been some nice times, there have only been four things I have consistently enjoyed since the WSOP:

1. The smell of rain
2. Exercise
3. Funny People
4. This youtube clip

Just a few months ago I was cruising along in a fairly pleasant but unsustainable situation. I decided to cut my own arms off in hopes of climbing to a higher place, even knowing how miserable the gaping, bleeding holes from those cuts were going to be and how hard the climb was going to be without those arms. At some point I may have become addicted to putting myself into deep dark holes just to see if I could dig out of them. Digging out of the last one was so rewarding and exhilarating sometimes I wonder if I was secretly hoping to fall back in. Like Aron Ralston or Shaniac in November 2010, I know that I put myself in this position voluntarily, though perhaps not consciously.



Now I do everything I can to get out of the hole. I'm going nowhere fast but I try. Every morning I wake up early and get out of bed. Even if I want to sleep late, I can't past 9. I work hard during the days on my book and other vague ventures. I'm still not sure what I will do if I can't be a writer, but intriguing possibilities are emerging. I do something athletic every day. I think I am past my athletic peak. But my body looks better than ever. At night I find myself in random social experiences. I never say no. I have to learn to get better. Rarely are these experiences relaxing. But they're not supposed to be. Now is not the time for relaxation. Men, children, and animals seem to be slightly magnetized by my presence. Women seem to be slightly repulsed by it. I get to spend a few minutes with the best dog in the world before bed. I fall asleep right away.



This is the hardest part of my adult life, so far - but, so far, it has not been the worst. I have been experiencing consistent and unprecedented rejection in all aspects of life over the last month but have not seen much of a drop in my disposition or self-esteem. I have been trying so hard in so many different areas and just keep failing, but it hasn't made me want to stop trying. I feel like I am walking a tightrope above an abyss of depression but despite several shoves I haven't lost my footing. I really have no idea what is going on for me emotionally. Maybe I have dug out of so many holes digging out of this one is automatic. Maybe I finally realized how silly it was to feel sorry for myself. Maybe it's the Vitamin D.



Vomiting is the most abhorrent of bodily functions. Everyone is terrified of it. It's horribly unpleasant, disgusting, painful. But vomiting is actually a wonderful thing, one of the best things a human can do. Vomiting gets the poison out, resets the system. Sometimes vomiting is a necessary action for a healthy mind and body. I'm puking my guts out right now. It's not so bad.

WSOP Recap Part Two: Grades

Bon Iver: B+

Bon Iver’s Bon Iver is a canoe ride / rocket ship of contradiction. Half of it is cutting-edge indie, half seems to have been unearthed from a time capsule from 1985. A sparse indie rock record populated with horns. Music for the dead of winter cut loose in the heat of the summer (which is why I am saving the new Fleet Foxes for November at the earliest). A deeply emotional and affecting album with incomprehensible lyrics, a timeless relic of unquestionable modernity.

Bridesmaids: D+

Sex and the City, the worst show in the history of television, began this inane crusade. Apparently treating men like shit is part of being a powerful woman. This is the opposite of feminism. How did this happen? How is it socially accepted? The perpetuation of protagonists like Kristen Wiig’s Annie - selfish, man-hating bitches who destroy men to inflate their flagging egos - is one of the most sickening developments in recent American pop-culture.

Cake: C

Showroom of Compassion, while still passable Vegas summertime music, is the weakest Cake effort in seventeen years.

Cosmopolitan: B+

The prototype for the future of the Vegas casino/hotel/resort/experience – classic and modern, voluminous yet sleek, contemporary but comprehensive.

Dallas Mavericks: A

Sometimes good does triumph over evil, sometimes years of pain and sacrifice do end in glory, sometimes teams do beat individuals, sometimes experience trumps talent, sometimes hard work does pay off, sometimes dreams really do come true.

Dr. Mario: B

It is amazing how much time and energy adult humans can spend repetitively pushing left, right, down, A, and B buttons, with nothing tangible or memorial to show for it.

ESPN WSOP Coverage: A

The live coverage of the WSOP Main Event on the ESPNs was the most entertaining and insightful poker programming ever made. The canvas was so broad, the analysis so sharp – this was the single most illuminating learning tool the game has ever seen. Olivier Busquet’s analysis was dumbfoundingly delicious, Antonio Esfandiari’s was nearly as sharp, and even Phil Hellmuth leant a cinematic air of excitement and immediacy to the broadcasts. It was such a pleasure to watch the final nine navigate their way to November, to see just how they were able to traverse that impossible voyage – and to see why and how the others fell by the wayside.

Game of Thrones: A-

There was genuine sadness at the conclusion of the compelling first season, facing ten months without George R.R. Martin’s mesmerizing Westeros, ten months without Starks, Lannisters, and Targaryens, ten months without Valyrian Steel or the Knight’s Watch. Only the most exceptional entertainment can create that sadness, that feeling like a small part of life is lost without it. As intricate and rewarding as the books are, A Song of Ice and Fire may have found its ceiling adapted into the most expensive television show ever made.

The Hangover Part II: C-

The punchless retread it was doomed to be from the start, lazy, languid, and uninspired. Special demerit for cutting corners on the Thai-American characters – the simple Asian bride, the overbearing Asian father, and the cello prodigy Asian kid brother, who somehow emerges from the night happy with the fact he just lost a finger and spent 24 hrs roasting in an elevator shaft.

Harrah’s, LLC: C

They seem to run this monstrosity more efficiently every year. The flaws are shrinking every year, the complaints becoming more and more peripheral. The Harrah’s version of the WSOP will always taste sterile, but it goes down the gullet without incident.

House of Tame: B

Three final tables, a bracelet, two Main Event cashes, three Dr. Mario tie-game photo finishes, a dozen morning house runs on the blacktop, thirty some odd bags of recycled containers, zero foreclosed houses, zero punches to the face. Overall, a successful sojourn for one of the longest-running groups in WSOP house-renting history.

Las Vegas: C+

A full letter grade docked here due to the omnipresent, maladroit, static road construction found all over the city. None of this construction ever seems to get done – the signs, the cones, the delays just seem to grow without anyone or anything ever actually appearing on site. It all climaxes in the I-15, AKA The Highway To Hell, a racing video game level rife with wrecks, maniacs, drunks, speeders, motorbikes, unpredictable and unmarked construction and treacherous exits built right through incoming merges.

Lotus of Siam: B+

Spoiled by one inexplicably arduous meal near the tail end of the WSOP. Still atop Moon’s Vegas Restaurant Power Rankings (especially with the saddening departure of Rosemary’s), but teetering.

MrBigQueso: A-

MrBigQueso AKA Jim Collopy did not have a strong WSOP, cashing just once. But his enormous, ever-present smile never left his face. Every time you see the kid, he’s laughing and giggling. MrBigQueso was a constant reminder of how we should all view the WSOP: the best summer camp ever, a seven-week haven amongst the only people in the world who won’t judge you for being yourself.

My Play: B+

Typically Moonish, with few big mistakes or outstanding moves.

Super 8: C

Having missed the first five minutes and looking to plug the plot gaps, post-viewing research of Super 8 discovered its lead actress, Elle Fanning, is thirteen years old. Thirteen. Amazingly, this was only the second-most shocking age revelation of the summer after learning that housemate Big Eric Schwartz was forty.

Words With Friends: C

“Bugs With Friends” might just be the most awful line of coding ever written, but the iPhone is the perfect vessel for Scrabble, much like HBO television is the perfect medium for A Song of Ice and Fire, 2011 was the right time for the Dallas Mavericks, and Vegas is the only locale for the World Series of Poker.